- Brian Keller
Today's advertising world is a varied and expanding universe of incredible opportunities, and the Internet has expanded the ways for creative people to make a living by constructing all kinds of content over a variety of outlets. This is great news if you're smart, you can ditch your job as a professional football player, nurse, astronaut, dictator or influencer or even thought-leader and just lie around the house all day in a torn-up tee shirt and underwear, watching Sponge Bob reruns, while creating an enormous income. Well, we decided to give this Internet content stuff a try, or maybe something better or not. The goal was, the hell with advertising, it's digital content that is pertinent. Many think that advertising is a particular kind of content, at least some times, but no one wants to admit it, it messes up obtuse 600-word job descriptions. Anyway, time marches backward, a commitment to content was etched in digital stone, by me. If the content sells something, then it would be proof that advertising is no longer viable. Then, on a dark and stormy night, I went to buy a tee-shirt and saw my fortune, in a window, on a mannequin. And my fortune wasn't digital. I saw a Baltimore Ravens jersey with the name Jackson on the back, along with a Ravens logo, an NFL logo, and a Nike logo. I quickly used my steel trap math brain and my almost encyclopedic knowledge of out of home advertising and immediately ditched the idiotic digital world, where you are called on to do something like writing a column for Dachshund loving Ohio State/Cleveland Browns fans. Back to my brain, I figured, based on studies I have memorized, that if 100 people each wore a promotional tee shirt/jersey/shirt, etc. 17 times during one year, the tee shirts would gather 100,00 impressions. So, I figured if I wear my jersey 17 times in the upcoming year while wandering around my Manhattan neighborhood looking for stuff that people throw out*, that would be 10,000 impressions. I quickly came up with a price for my media plan right on the spot where I stood admiring the Lamar Jackson jersey. I figured millions of grown-up adults, who can't play football or other sports, would want to wear a 22-year-old kid's replica until he did something to displease them. At that point, they would stop insulting each other's political parties, and go to social media war against a gifted and personable young man with a gift they don't have. So, I figured my money-making opportunity would disappear fast. I would also have to diversify. I'd add Aaron Judge and any NBA player not in rehab, to my money-making roster. I did another quick study and figured that in 2018, (2019 is not over) advertisers spent, on average (on the ridiculous Internet) *$2.80 per thousand impressions (CPM) and $0.75 per click *(CPC). And, the average click-through rate (CTR) Click Through Rate on the GDN (Google Display Network) was 0.35%. So long suckers in the digital universe. I'm walking the streets. After parsing all the data, I decided I would wear the shirt 34 times a year and charge only $2.70 per 1,000 impressions (great savings to Nike, the NFL, the Ravens, and Lamar). Unlike using the Internet, I would be in charge of my impressions. I decided to leave my neighborhood, (no one in NYC (Manhattan) does that without good reason) and take advantage of the millions of people in my city. I would just run up to them and make an impression. The Internet was on its way to hell, where it belongs. I was ready to start my new career of just walking around with people's names on my back. I acted and went into the store after a nice salesperson opened the door for me. I said, "Thank you. He said, " No problem." I said," I'm glad it was no problem. I wouldn't have been able to live with myself after causing you adversity." Anyway, I swooped into action and asked him for the Lamar Jackson jersey. He retrieved one for me. I said, "Thanks." He said, "No worries." I said, "Good, I was worried about your safety while handing me the jersey." Then, I said, "I'll take it." He said, " Thanks, great, you'll like it. It's about number one in jersey sales. " I said, " No worries. How much?" He said,"$100.00. " I said, "Per impression?" (What suckers. Bollocks to the Internet. This guy and Lamar and the Ravens and the NFL get it. You got to pay to play. Next, Aaron Judge. He said, "Impression?" I said, "Yes. I thought it was a bit high, and I don't want to take advantage." (Oh sure "true dat"). He said, " No, that's the cost, sorry." I said, "Fine if you guys can afford it, I'm down." He said, "Cool, do you want to pay credit card or cash, no checks?" I said, "Pay for what?" He said, "The official NFL, Baltimore Ravens, Lamar Jackson, Nike, replica jersey specifically designed to make people think they're a 22-year-old NFL star wearing his jersey in the street walking around common people. I said, "No, sorry you're young and don't understand advertising and out of home vs digital content." I patiently went over impressions, pay per click CTR, GDN, CPM and, how I'm doing better for Nike, the NFL, the Baltimore Ravens, and Lamar than the Internet could. "Cant' you see how, stoopid phat crazy, phresh this is said I?" He said, "Get out." I said, " I'm not sure I understand. I'm going to wear a piece of clothing that promotes four brands, and you want me to pay for it? I've never heard of such a thing. He said, "Dude, please. " I said, would you mind helping take that easy chair out on the curb up to my apartment. No one's home, I can sneak it in. He said, " Yo, *****Swerve." Do you know that people are paying: $78.00, during the autumn sale, for a Michael Kors -sequined logo-cotton jersey T-Shirt - (women's). It says, "MK" $148, during the autumn sale, for a Michael Kors (men’s) Cotton-Blend Zip-Up Hoodie (no sequins) it says KORS. $100.00 for a Nike, Lamar Jackson jersey, with a Nike Swoosh, NFL logo, and a Baltimore Ravens Logo. On the back, it says, Jackson. Lamar Jackson is a superior athlete you are not, Lamar is 22, you are probably not, 22. This is a huge problem, don't you think? You're 100, and wearing a child's jersey. NCAA athletes don't get a dime for their images and names. Take it off or at least, buy a generic. $149.00 for a Nike New England Football Jersey - No name, but it does have a Nike swoosh and NFL logo. It also says New England Patriots on it. The New England Patriots have won 6 Super Bowls. You probably haven't won a Super Bowl. If you have won a Super Bowl with the New England Patriots or any other NFL team, you should be getting jerseys for free along with the debilitating and ongoing physical and mental problems you have earned. $3,850.00 for a Louis Vuitton mini soft trunk. It is a stupid little bag with nothing on it but initials. But wait, it's not that bad. I went to the website. I see why it's so expensive. Louis Vuitton's website offers complimentary shopping. You don't have to pay to shop. Louis Vuitton must be taking a beating offering complimentary shopping.
$89-$150 for a Ralph Lauren (Polo logo) shirt (hard cost $3.15). Wear yours into Dylan's Candy Bar and pay $100 for a designer Clark Bar. So, I'm going back to work. Most of my work ends up on the Internet, where there is an overwhelming amount of honesty. The rest of you, among other things, are probably not great athletes. You're not going to get better looking wearing over-priced, you're going to have more sex, and you're not going to have a better life. Perform a "logotomy" on yourself and wear something without a meaningless logo, or child's name on it. Give some of the money, you save, to a good cause. Doing something good will make you better looking to yourself. You'll have a better life, and the people you help will have a better life, then buy a white tee shirt and put your own name on the back. * I found a couch once it was cool. I wasn't allowed to bring it in. I would guess the reason had something to do with it not having a logo. ** CPM(cost per mille) which in our example means an advertiser must pay $2.80 for every 1,000 impressions of its ad. *** Cost Per Click (CPC) refers to the actual price you pay for each click in your pay-per-click (PPC) marketing campaigns. **** I figured, I would just run up to people and shove my shirt at them. This would create a robust but reimagined click-through rate that would smash the puny 0.35% in its stupid digital face. ***** Get out.